42 more weeks, we are getting there.

Almost as many weeks as there are in a pregnancy. I am dying, next Sunday i get to talk to my lover on the phone. To hear is voice and be reminded that he is a real man, that i didn't make him up in my imagination makes me so incredibly happy. I love that he still makes me nervous like he is my first grade crush all over again. We have dated for almost 6 years. Which is so crazy to me. Not once have i ever stopped falling for him, with other guys since him and before him, the minute that they liked me back i always lost interest in them, with cade.. he has always found a way to keep me intrigued by him i have never lost that spark. Recently i have been hanging out with another boy, last night he told me that he has feelings for me and instantly i was repulsed by him. Every time cade and i kiss, touch, look at each other... anything.. it's like a surge of electricity shoots through my body.. Butterflies rush to escape from my tummy, my heart beats 10 beats fast and i lose all control of my smiles. The man truly has my heart. FOREVER.

What cade and i have is something so UNIQUE and so SPECIAL it is irreplaceable, nothing can compare to that man. he is such a special individual. He understands me, he changed me. He is my angel, my light, my life, my everything. He truly has all of me. For eternity. With out him here all day everyday I have grown to appreciate him even more than ever. I LOVE YOU ELDER M.

43... times taking a speed up here.

forty three more weeks until my dearest is home, 43 three weeks to long, and 43 weeks not enough. Each Friday i get a letter from him proving how much he has grown. He is being reformed into the perfect father/husband. To see how much he has progressed spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally melts my heart and makes me fall for him more than ever. To know that my boy has turned into such a spiritual giant as a man warms my soul. To see his love grow towards the people he is teaching is incredible to me, to see him learning to love with no judgements, he truly is becoming more like the savior. Each letter i see that more and more, which makes me love him more than the week before :) hey, that rhymes!

Fourty FOUR OH EM GEE!!

I am a little behind on this. My laptop got STOLEN! so i am on the old school desktop.

REASON44: on a bad day cade was always there for me. He would do whatever it was he could do to cheer me up. No matter what it took. He found a way to spreads his happiness over to me. Well on the day of my laptop getting stolen it made me miss him more than ever. Usually he would have kept me calm, He ALWAYS kept my temper in check. AT all times. It was my brothers fault that the thief got it. So i blew up at him big time and really hurt his feelings. Cade would have not allowed for me to do so. So it was really hard not having him to go to in that moment of sadness. So my reason 44 is, he is very calm tempered, optimistic, and loves to be there for me in my moments of need and irrational actions. SO he pretty much. Balances me out and tones my flaws down. He lifts me up to be the best person i can become. Being around him, and knowing that my boyfriend is so amazing pushes me and makes me want to strive to be as good of a woman as he is a man. I strive each and every day to be the woman that he deserves <3

FOTEY FIVE that's right 45 mo weeks.

A little late now, we are creepin in to 44... seems as though week 45 slipped right past me(not complaining there)

Hormones... were every where this week. I missed him a lot. Elder M was always very tender and sensitive to my needs when I got this way.

After hearing news about my grandpa having melanoma all I could think is "where is my cade hug when I need it"

I got an incredible letter from him he told me "Sweetheart, I love you. NEVER EVER forget that. Even on those hard days. Well, especially on those days."

He is such a perfect man, and he truly loves me unconditionally. I am SO blessed to have him in my life. He keeps me going strong when it seems like it would be easier to give up. His smile could light up my entire world.

Really, some times I feel like he is so much better than me, like I don't deserve him, and I wonder to myself what I could have done to deserve this incredible man.. I must have done something right for go to bless me with him in my life <3

"Hot fudge sunday, with extra hot fudge, please..."

Oh the days when you were here by my side, to enjoy these moment where I have my hormonal insanity.....
All the late night McDonalds runs to get your crazy girlfriend the once a month usual... "Hot fudge sunday WITH EXTRA FUDGE, please"


To start off.... I am pretty sure I bleed chocolate... My love for this heavenly treat... is unreal, and unhealthy... It is ridiculous how fast a bite of chocolate can make every problem in my world disappear... or in this case, be the root of all evil......

We were regulars. No matter the time of day he was always there to take me on a chocolate run.
-which pathetically led to tonight's emotional break down. irrational, crazy, weak, i know... please don't judge, to harshly at least.


Going through each member of my family, literally begging them to go to walmart to pick up a bag of ghiradelli milk chocolate chocolate chips i had seen a few days earlier, and since then had not been able to get them out of my mind. after passing through each person in the room not a single person would budge. (i think my family is heartless ;)


Finally run to my room to have my emotional break down like a 13 year old girl... while i am crying, well practically sobbing... laying on my bed, my mom comes into apologize she tells me how much she loves me and would do it if ir wasn't 10:00 at night, on a sunday yadda, yadda, yadda (with big tears in my eyes) my reply is: "Cade would go to the store and buy me chocolate" He would, he always did. No matter the day of the week.


One of the MANY reasons i love that man. He does EVERYTHING for me. I truly am spoiled by him. No matter the time of day or what day it was, if it was chocolate i needed it was chocolate I got.. funny that this would be the small moment to push me to have the first large break down that i have had in MONTHS.


But tonight, I miss him. I miss him more than the chocolate that i am craving.. In fact i crave to hold him, to lay my head on his shoulder and to listen to his heart beating, i crave his touch and his kiss more than i crave anything in the world..


I KNOW that he is in the right place, at the right time, serving the lord.... On nights like this though... I just wish he was here to softly kiss my shoulder no matter how insane i am being... and tell me how much he loves me.


If I count by my emotional(one week from every month) moments.... I only have ten more, until he is home to tell me i am not totally crazy... 10 more and he will be here to buy me that bag of chocolate and stare at me with that adorable half smile i think you are totally insane but i love you anyways look. ten more short months and my craving will be satisfied... Until then.... chocolate will have to do ;)

Another one of those sleepless nights...

I like to think of my life as a story, I am the author, heavenly father is the editor and the atonement decides what gets published.

Each and every day you get to chose what you write on a new fresh page, so make it count, right? I want to make memories that will never be forgotten, I want to make my mark on this world and go out with a bang. I want to be remember. Now where do I start?? That is up to me.

I tend to be the girl that gets walked on, friends come and go from my life... Maybe I care a little to much, or my heart is out there to far, perhaps I should build a better wall around myself, grow thicker skin, or even let less people in. How can I make myself not become a door mat for the world around me... How can I not be the person every one comes to as they are in a moment of need, leave when that moment passes, and keep me waiting for the friend I might be able to turn to in those moments.....? That's when I realize in my heart that the those thoughts are all wrong.

When I die and meet my father in heaven face to face, when he asks what I did to serve my fellow men... My thoughts wont ever turn to "well maybe I served to much, got to little in return" or "maybe I should have loved a little less" my thoughts will be "I should have served more, I could have loved A LOT MORE... and judge A LOT LESS" I will be proud to say that I tried my best to serve those around me, and to love with out limits.

Service:

an act of helpful activity; help; aid: to do someone a service.

I feel as though service should be done with the intent of getting nothing in return. I want to learn to give of myself whole hearted, without hopes of having the favor returned to me. To be the listening ear, the helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, some one who gives of my extra means to some one in need, to love with out judgement, and to truly become Christ like.

Our loving heavenly father and savior Jesus Christ serve us each and every day just by giving us life, we are forever in debt to them, but when we give of our self to others to reach out and to serve them we to are serving our lord. Jesus died so that we might live, he did the ultimate act of service by dying on the cross so that we could have the atonement, to be forgiven of our sins. We are to repent of our sins each and every day so we can start the new one with a fresh page.

In this next year, I will learn to love with out end, I will learn to be patient with those around me, I will be willing to give of my time to others, I will learn to be kind, and not judgmental... I want to become more like the savior each and every day. Something as small and simple as a smile can stretch more than imaginable. I want to make a difference in the lives of those I become acquainted with, whether it be only a few minutes or an entire life time. I am going to make a change :)

46.. fourty six... four six.. 46

46 more weeks until we meet again, 46 weeks till I can hold you in my arms, 46 weeks until I can remember what it is like to kiss you... 46..... seems like a long time... but we breezed through 58 like it was nothing... for the next 46 weeks I would like to take a minute to post a reason why I love Elder M so darn much.... It's so hard to pick just one... So that's why I chose the random 46 :)

#46-

You are always so patient with me, I can be a lot to take on. For any one that knows me I am kind of a big pain in the ass... I like to push buttons and test peoples limits. I push those closest to me away, I build very tall secure walls that not many have the courage or the will to climb...

Elder Mangelson, you fought through it all.. You never lost your passion with me and you climb over my walls. You broke your way in, and you swept me off of my feet. No matter how hard I pushed you, you held onto me tighter.

You were human and you would get frustrated with me... But you never left me. You loved me and always had so much compassion to me when i got into an "Ashley frenzy" ;) you helped me work through it and we always came out stronger. You have been the best friend that I have ever had.

I feel like god must trust me a lot to put a special man like you in my life <3 Elder Mangelson... I promise to love you for the rest of forever....:)

Count to 100 and I will be there...



Fourteen is young to find true love, it's rare... and it never lasts... I've heard it all... you guys will never survive past high school... you may as well just break up.... sure enough... we made it past high school... next it's two years is a long time... every body knows it wont work out when he gets home... a lot can happen in two years, people change, you will be engaged after 6 months, you are going to distract him and he is going to write you off... again... i have heard it all... I am about to tell you why this situation is so much more... different than all of the rest...Why it has been a love to last an entire life time.. or even better.. eternity<3

A fourteen year old girl prays to find a best friend, on that will be more true to her and more loyal than the ones in the past, a best friend that will be as good of a friend as she is to them.. to her. She prayed to find that friend who shares similar values and beliefs and wouldn't doubt or question her faith... some one to help her hold strong to her beliefs as well as she would help them.

Not to long after she meets a boy named Cade Mangelson... Intrigued she asks every one around what they know about him... "don't go for him he's a player" or.. "he doesn't like to have just one girlfriend he likes to have two or three" my favorite
"he would never like a girl like you"

So i put this boy in the back of my mind... time and time again we kept running into each other. I continued to ignore this cocky egocentric, player... i pretended as though he was non existent.. WHEN one day... he got my phone number from a friend.. I am sitting painting my nails when i hear my phone buzz.. "new text: 801-604-1964" ugh who could it be... i open my phone and it's cade! i was furious! how did he get my number!?!? i didn't respond instantly... finally "Hey sorry i was painting my nails, whats up?" we text for a minute and then i have to go out to mow my lawn so i complain about having to move around the tramp and all other heavy things and that i would text him when i finished... "I am batman, so i will come mow the lawn and move those heavy things for you.. batman can do anything" my reply... "HAHAH! Batman, if you are batman...what does that make me then, a duck??? i will text you later" So bratty little me turns off the phone and goes out to mow the lawn...

As i am mowing the lawn and moving these heavy things... i can not get to so called batman off my mind... i kept finding thoughts like "Man, if only batman was here to save me from this" or "Oh how embarrassing would it be if he really came to help, i am stinky gross and sweaty.." the rest of the time i mowed i was in fear he might actually show up, when realistically i knew he had no idea where i lived.

After that moment we were texting nonstop... i could not get batman out of my brain. I had a little boyfriend at the time, but slowly iwas beginning to lose interest and the boy i worked so hard to avoid was beginning to consume my every thought.

A few weeks later and a couple of times after hanging out in groups it was our friend zachs birthday party, i was so excited cade was coming. I spent the entire day hanging out with rob(my boy at the time) wishing i was with cade at the new pirates of the Caribbean movie..

Rob and I hitch a ride from my parents to the party, mean while i am still plotting how to break up with him so i can give cade a shot... An hour into the party i found out that rob had cheated on me  MY MOST PERFECT OUT!!! so it was over. :)

Not even the slightest bit crushed I start texting cade even more asking where he is, he tells me "I am getting close, if you count to 100 i will be there" i count to 100 still no boy, he tells me to start counting again and i think i got to 35 when he snuck up behind me and gave me the biggest and the BEST hug EVER! Afew boys crept off and found a snake, they tried to pin me down and let it crawl all up on my face, and that is when cade saved me ahe picked me up and held me close, at that moment my whole world went on pause... i heard nothing else around me, at that moment i knew he was my hero my "batman" i knew my life was about to change... But our moment was broken quickly by immature boys around us who stole my camera and of course cade had to join in on the flirty little games they were all playing...

I watched as cade was the last boy to have my camera in his possession, i called a group huddle "who ever has my camera, gets a kiss if you give it back.. ;)" cade could not throw me my camera fast enough!!! after that i began to think "ohhhhh shiz, this perfect boy, this cocky little brat, this boy who is a total ladies man, this boy who has far more experience in kissing than me, and i have to give him a kiss tonight... how do i get out of this????????????????????????"

Sure enough he held me to it constantly texting and asking when he got his kiss... Finally we are running out of time, i get all the courage i have in my little body and as him to go for a walk with me...at that point my next fear was "do i hold his hand, do i grab his arm, do i put my arm around his waist!? what do i do!??!?" so i put my hands in my sweatshirt pockets. So nervous i talked the poor kids ears off about who knows what, dragged him all over the park, he pushed me on the swings, stared at me with such intent, my parents call and the are almost there, so we walk down this quiet path way where he stops me and grabs my hand, we share the most perfect hug under the brightest full moon, i look up at him and see pure love in his eyes, he perfectly grabs my chin and we kiss. Sparks are flying, my heart is racing, and my lips are tingling... At that moment i knew my life was never going back to how it was. i knew i was in love.

We shared a most perfect summer together, and a perfect now 5 plus years of dating, cade still continues to be my batman and keep me safe. He literally saved my life that summer, i know that god put him in my life so we could save each other, to help each other become better people. To carry each other through times of trial... He is my biggest blessing and i thank god for him each and every single night. I can not wait for these next 10 months to be in the past so i can hold my perfect man in my arms again <3



Finding your purpose.

We all are children of god, and we all have a divine purpose as to why we are here on earth. We are given trials, and moments of joy... Each building and refining us into who we were sent here to become. Trails can make or break us. It is all about perception. If we look at our trials with a negative attitude then we will not grow or learn them. One thing I am learning to do is to pray and ask god "What can I learn from this that will make it more bearable ofa burden, how can i over come this trial? In the mean time, what is it that you intend for me to take from it"
 Christ died on the cross so that we can be saved. Lets not let it be in vain. Live every day as though the savior was walking next to you. Stop to help a troubled man in the streets, or simply smile and say hello to some one who seems as though they have strayed away from the fold.
 Everyone is struggling, and what may seem to be an easier trial to you may be un bearable to another, so why not reach out and help some one to carry that load? We were sent here to become more like Christ, to show love to our fellow men, and to be charitable. To become like Christ means to look into some ones eyes and get to know their heart, and their true intents, look deeper than what meets the eyes. Learn to love with out judgment. We all guilty of pointing fingers or making accusations about another, but really... who are we to judge when we to walk imperfect?
 I know that I am not perfect, i have quite a few flaws in fact... I am going to make the conscious effort to really become more like Christ in my life. I will make and effort to be more observant to the man in need, or the lost sheep, I will make the effort to become less judgemental and to love people for who they are, i want to make the honest effort to know their heart and not their flesh.
 I am at a stage in life where i feel so confused as to where I should turn next, I have no idea what my purpose is, and felt lost as to where i should even start. BUT we all have one thing in common, we all are lost.... We all were sent here to become more like our savior Jesus Christ, as long as we are STRIVING to reach that goal, then we to are one step closer to finding out our purpose in the journey.

One step closer to you

This is a picture I took of the Salt Lake City Utah Temple last September (2010)

For the first time in a long time I am a temple recommend holder. To be honest I am so proud of myself. It has been kind of a journey to find my way back, it was a journey worth while. I have not been this joyful in a very long time, in fact I have been quite the cranky negative brat...

A while back i was reading my scriptures and was praying about what steps I needed to take to grow spiritually, to pullme out of this rut, I felt like I had hit a spritual growth wall... Overly discouraged, Satan was grasping onto every bit of myself discouragements and helping to drag me down. I said amen and continued reading my scriptures. About 15 minutes later I felt the spirit promiting me to get a temple recommend, I had gotten myself back into the routine of paying my tithing and fixed things with my bishop.... So what was holding me back...? shortly after that prompting "i love to see the temple" came on my Iphones music shuffle and I knew it was exactly the step i needed to take.

Weeks passed and again Satan wanted to keep me from helping others progress, my going to the temple and doing baptisms for the dead will be a help to those beyond the vail... So he got ahold of me again and made sure to make me feel like I was unworthy beat me into discouragement again and made me feel fearful of having the interview and almost stupid for even having the thought I was worthy today.

Today at church i saw my bishop, he told me he couldn't get me in until tuesday... I knew that if I put it off again I would just let it go and not ask him about it later on. So ifound one of his councilers and persisted that he give me my interview before I run from it again. Step by step I was able to answer all of the questions with the BIGGEST most happy smile on my face. At the end he handedme over my recommend, I was so overwhelmed with joy that I began to cry...

Today by being worthy of holding that Temple recommend I was able to take a step closer to Christ, and a step closser to eternity. I am so thankful that I am now able to not only walk the temple grounds, but actually go inside. I can not wait for the day that Cade and I will be able to go through and be sealed together for time and all eternity :)

"I'll wait for you, i promise you i will"

the day that makes waiting worth it... LETTER DAY. Normally I receive my letters every Friday, this week with veterans day i got it today, Saturday. Wow... was it amazing or what!?!?! It is so much FUN to see how much man my is learning, growing, and developing a love for every one around him. I am so Proud of Elder M. In his letter today He referred to Me as Ashley Mangelson, and joked about how he is going to propose to me on Christmas during his phone call. Silly boy... You need a ring for that ;) Anyways, just thought that i would share my excitement about hearing from my Elder Cade Mangelson. He is such a strong young man and i am so proud to call him mine. To watch such change come forth in him leaves me speechless. I would not trade these two years for anything, heck i might even miss running out to the mail box every Friday afternoon with a prayer in my heart that i have a letter here. He always finds a way to make me laugh, smile, cry get the butterflies... and leaves me more in love with him than ever. I am so blessed, i must have done something right to deserve that man in my life. He never ceases to amaze me with his strength and his testimony. Missions truly shape our men into the most perfect future husbands and fathers. I look forward to the future with this man <3

sisterly bonding time..

A few weeks ago my sister was in a pretty nasty car accident. Leaving her out of work for the next couple months, well i conveniently happened to get sick around the same time... Which means, blockbuster is our new second home. I have watched more movies this week than in my entire life.

Today we watched "the change" or something like that... Really nasty at first. But we both we were to lazy to stand up and turn it off since the remote is broken, we just kept saying it's gotta get better, it's gotta get better. Sure enough it did. Two brothers who feel completely miserable at the phases in life they are at, wished that they could switch places...  Well, well.. be careful what you wish for while peeing into a mystical fountain in Hollywood... you can bet that their lives got swapped. In the end they both end up appreciating their lives and every moment that they are living in. They learn to be truly happy again and what is important.

So naturally after the movie is over we go to the sisterly girl talk, Maddie starts venting that she wishes her boyfriend would just marry her already, he just bought this nice new apartment and she is just so excited to have it be hers one day, why wont he commit, I tell her to be patient, and she tells me to be patient next year when cade is home... i laugh and say "girl, please... i now have the patience of job...." then we pause for a moment and at the exact same time say "i will trade you....!" -dead serious at first... Then bust out laughing and almost instantly take our words back.

Clearly... we didn't pay close attention to the moral of that movie...... Operation, love life just the way it is. RIGHT NOW. not yesterday or last week, not tomorrow or next year, just love TODAY :)

Finding your Sacred grove.

When i was living in new jersey i was privillegde enough to visit the sacred grove we were also so privileged to have a the mission pres. of the Palmyra NY mission speak to us, and he spoke of a tree in the grove and how it was the biggest tree and one of the oldest trees in the entire grove... he was there one day and the tree was standing tall and proud and through the night the tree just snapped and fell. the man that was to care for these trees in the grove went to see what had happened, and this tree had been rotting from the inside and dying from the inside out. He then called the mission president to come see.


He explained to him that the roots for this tree weren't planted deep enough and this tree had only been getting nutrients from the top of the soil and was snaking water from other trees and that's why it grew so large. the mission president asked him to not clear the tree out because he had the perfect way to tie it into the gospel. If we don't dig our roots into the ground deep enough we can't really have a firm testimony of this gospel, when we borrow it from others and eventually fall like this tree. he then told us all we need to find our own sacred grove to go when we need to pray and communicate with the lord, he said to find our own place we could escape from the worldy things to study and to build our own testimony. I kind of had a moment like this my last bit in new jersey. i always thought that my roots were pretty firmly planted... but through small steps things became a little less important to me... i only made it to one sacrament meeting and it was my last Sunday there. That was my first wrong turn, i would pick and choose when FHE, Institute or reading the book of Mormon conveniently fit into my "busy" life routine. day by day was a little less happy until one day i didn't really know where my testimony ran to and like that tree was ready to fall. that is when i made the decision to move home. since then i have had to climb my way out of a hole and was able to find my own testimony, to really feed and nourish it to let it plant so deeply in my heart i would not lose it again. I started taking baby steps back on to the path in the right direction... through small steps i was feeding my own testimony.. i paid my tithing for the first time since i was 16 or 17 ... it felt so great, i am making more of an effort to read the BOM and to pray, i can feel my testimony growing and developing so much more... I have found my sacred grove where i can feel my saviors love around me.


I am happier than i have been in the last year, i have learned what motions to make and what steps to take that will eventually lead me towards the temple. Things in my life are falling into place more perfectly than ever, because i made that decision to not be like the tree in the grove that fell... I made the choice to stand up on my own and to plant a seed of my very own, to nourish and watch stretch its roots deeper and deeper into my heart.

Keeping up With Elder M....

Let the adventures begin... Opproation occupy all possible free time, take on three jobs if that is what it takes(WORST IDEA EVER i got so burnt out) 60 hour work weeks and no free time later i decided i would apply to nanny in new jersey.. CRAZY RIGHT!? move across the country to a state where i know absolutely no one, where every where you drive is a free way(when really there is nothing you loathe more than rush hour traffic, confusing free way signs, and semi trucks) SURE why not move to the most busy place on earth, well okay.. it wasn't as busy as i expected.. i actually lived in the farm lands of jersey. It was an experience i will never forget. Watch the nanny diaries and the was practically my life, drunk fight, porno stash, pot in the freezer, earthquake, hurricane and one dose of locked out of my bedroom (by my boss) and 3 and a half months later it was time to move back to my home town of Sandy, Utah.

It was such an incredible growing experience, i learned the importance of attending sacrament meeting, church, institute, and always having the spirit to walk with me... The simple things i took for granted like having a church on every corner, now having to drive 20 or more minutes to get to the one building closest to my house, or even just that peaceful feeling my home in Utah had, because of the spirit of the holy ghost through living the gospel daily... to just having my moms crying shoulder.

I was forced to come out of my shell, my comfort zone and my wall that i so delicately built around me... To branch out, make new friends, and find new places while i was there. I made friendships that I will never forget the ward became my family.

The city i never had a desire to see became my new hangout for the weekends, trying to figure out confusing subway schedules at 3 am with creepy people all around you, to getting lost in the ghetto's of Brooklyn at 3 am... Laughing harder than i have ever laughed in my life, walking the streets of NYC barefoot because my shoes were giving me blisters... It is now the city i miss the most and friends i wish i could see again..

 I will never forget the excitement of trying to save the jelly fish from the seagulls beaks.. the poor things that were being pushed to shore by the high tide... memories that i will forever cherish in my heart.

My goal was to have experiences to share with Elder M when he returns so we could laugh at each others awkward moments, cry at each others pains, and in the end be there to hold each other close again... Moving to New Jersey gave me many spiritual opportunities, many happy moments, many stressful, many moments of pain and sorrow and moments that i was able to share with him through letters to help relate to him and get him through rough times.

I am so grateful for the lord placing that opportunity before me, it definitely wasn't easy... But through the greatest trials come the most growth.

What is two short years, when in return i get to spend eternity with you

Wow, where to start....

In the last 13 months SO MANY NEW THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.. so where to begin...

I will start with the goodbye, Cade and I shared a perfect last 3 months together before he left to serve his mission in Orlando Florida, it was the romance you see in the movies, moments that we shared i will never forget. Laughs, cries, snotty noses, and a love to last forever.

It was the moment we anticipated, but you could never be prepared enough for it... I don't know which was worse the anticipation or the actual good bye. We spent a perfect  2 day together before he was set apart and we would have the dreadful "hand shake"... we went for a ride on Cades motorcycle, got his missionary hair cut, went to dinner with his family, back tickle for back tickle, talked about the future, the past and the present... We watched all of cades favorite movies and just enjoyed each others company in silent stares.

It felt as though he was dying... when in reality he was just moving a few states over, switching times zones, swapping out text messages and phone calls, for the occasional email to say "i love you" and the weekly letters, the ever so cherished Christmas/mothers day phone calls and a "see you in a couple"

The day came where we knew we would have to part ways for a while.. Watching the clock intensely.. 8 hours left hurry and hug me, 7 hours... give me a few kisses quick! 6.... hold my hand and never let it go.... 5 cram in the last minute star wars trilogy and hold me close... 4... don't look at each other you might lose all composure you have fought so hard for all day... 3 i lay my head on your chest to try to memorize that still soft sound of your beating heart...2.... stare at each others faces and memorize every last detail...1.... "the last supper"... 30 more minutes, its crunch time, hug me, hold my hand and never stop giving me those soft kisses... and the moment we've been dreading the drive to the church holding hands squeezing them so tightly together...

He is now a missionary, the moment that made this all so real... his whole countenance had a completely different light to it.. The moment my boy began to transition into a man.. made his way around the circle and he got to my mom and whispered in her ear as he hugged her, my mom choked out a laugh and turns to hug me and says in my ear "this is from cade" oh how i just wanted to squeeze him so tightly... but i couldn't.. his family invited me back to his house to play games and eat ice cream, where cade was to avoid me like the plague.. never making eye contact.. sitting across the room from me, and the moment our hands accidentally touched reaching for the same object was as though we were in first grade again and your crush has a serious case of the cooties... he literally jumped back and wouldn't get close to me again.. Well the moment came where they had to take me home, i was gathering my things from his room with him, his brother and his sister, when the two randomly walked out leaving me and cade in there alone he looked at me with shear panic and fear in his eyes as though i was there to kill him, pointed to the stairs and said please get out of my room... At first i was so hurt.... then was overwhelmed by what great obedience he was already showing..

Then it was the dreaded drive home with cade in the front seat and me in the back with his siblings.. we laughed and fought back tears the whole way.... Then the moment we all were dreading... he got out of the car, walked me to the garage and stared at me for a second, as the garage open, he took my hand and we went through our secret handhsake we had rehearsed all that day... and he threw my hand down mumbled a quick i love you and see you in a couple, then practically ran to the car... i stood and watched them drive away... ran inside upstairs and to my mommy like i was 5 again and just sobbed... this is it, he is really going....

We texted all night and all morning until he left to the MTC i felt like we had said enough goodbyes and my little heart couldn't take anymore... when i got my last text message... "okay, it's time to go... I don't know how to say goodbye to you... so i wont hah. I love you so much. You're my light, my angel, my love, my everything. You're gorgeous inside and out and i am so thankful for you and everything you've done for me. I'll talk to you soon" and the flood gates opened, i couldn't type my last i love you fast enough. i was sobbing and shaking, it was worse than i could have imagined...

 Now here i sit 13 months later... the marker i thought would never come has already passed and I only have a short 11 months to cram in as much growth as possible before I have the most extraordinary "welcome home hug" The moment every missionary girl never thinks will come is already sneaking up on me and will be here before i know it.. So it's crunch time, read those scriptures, attend the temple, make sure to always pay tithing... because soon enough my moment will come that i will be married to the man of my dreams for time and all eternity :)

From the very start.

Just a little history of who I am, where i come from, and what my story is. I am Ashley Elizabeth Carlson, 20 years young, born and raised in good ol sandy Utah. I was blessed to be born into a family that was/is members of the LDS church(or as the world knows us, Mormons) My short life has had many ups and downs, trials and moments of true joy. From those trials great blessings have been given... One of which, My missionary... Elder Cade N Mangelson, the man of my dreams my prince charming, the light of my life, my world, my heart, my everything. I know i know, statistics prove..... blah blah blah, only 3% work out... i have heard it all. Maybe we will be the exception, maybe we wont.. BUT i do know for a fact that out of this experience much growth will come, it will be an experience i will never regret. I do feel in my heart that we will be part of the percent that works. Cade and I have dated for almost 5 1/2 years, a little young to be falling in love right? we always said to each other "when ya know, ya know, ya know?" love has no limits on age. Whether you be 14, or 95... it is a feeling one can not deny. Anyways, this blog is going to be about our story. A diary of the two years adventure, how i have grown to love my self, my lord, my savior Jesus Christ, my family, and my missionary. How the gospel has come to help us all grow closer together, and how to pass the two years as positively as possible.